Kerry

Remember those days?

The days of make believe

tadpole fishing,

tree climbing,

wrestling,

those carefree, ignorantly blissful days.

Then that painful day when I left.

the lack of money pulling me away.

Years pass

I return,

changed

I’m better, more aware, not so foolish

My car steers it’s own way back to that old neighborhood

The knock on your door was all too familiar

A familiar face answers, your mother, still as beautiful as I remember her

We sit down

talk

Then i hear what she had been struggling to tell me

your friend of 10 years

“Kerry has leukemia.”

my heart stops

short of breath

This cant be happening

The girl who ran and played with me was now infected

we were invincible

with all our powers and magical ways

Diseases couldn’t touch us

then reality set in

we weren’t 8 anymore

this was real

life.

I choke back tears as she explains,

“All her friends left, they didn’t want to deal with it all.”

My heart sank

I would have been there

If I had only known

I would have been there through every chemo treatment

every relapse

everything.

I would have been there for you.

Then the door opens and you walk in

The girl I had known to be healthy with long blonde hair

was now a skinny, pale stranger with short brown hair

you walk with a gingerly step

the pain of the last chemo treatment still stinging inside

I see the toll the disease has taken on you

My dear friend

It breaks my heart to see you this way

I force a smile when I want to cry

I want to hold you

to drive the infection out of you

Oh how I wish I had those magical powers we thought we had all those years ago.

After our visit I leave with a hug and a smile knowing you are in high spirits

“It was so good to see you and I’ll call you tomorrow so we can hang out.”

Were my parting words.

I call the very next day eager to see you.

No answer.

My stomach is driven into my throat and a numbing feeling fills my body

I grab my keys and dash out the door

30 over the limit

racing to your side.

I arrive at your door

trying to hold my composure

I knock

Again your mother answers

But not as beautiful as before

puffy red eyes greet me with a river of tears flowing out the door

It hit me

reality

My knees hit the concrete

this can’t be happening.

My childhood friend who had just come back in my life

was taken away just as fast.

I promised I’d be there

through thick and thin

best friends forever.

I didn’t keep my promise.

I’m so very sorry.

The Freshman

You’re not the boy I’d expect to like in this day and age

You’re far too young and many grades below

But I don’t know what it is about you that makes me not want to let go.

It’s not you, but me, you see,

I’m the one that has to leave

I know when I go that pain is sure to come.

In knowing that I must go, I keep you at a distance

to touch my body but not my heart.

I know the way you feel for me with ever smile and glance.

Every kiss speaks of just how much you care.

I love the way you look at me with those deep brown eyes

I see the feeling behind that sly smile you give me every time.

I love the way you kiss me so soft and true, but the funny thing is

I only like kissing you.

The way you make me feel when your around

drives me up the wall

Those hands of yours, those eyes, those lips

I’m so afraid to fall.

But that day will come

to say goodbye

only 30 to go.

I Hate That Day

It was time to say our final goodbyes,

The family gathered, the priest was there too

But all eyes were on you.

The name engraved in the marble, a vase, and some ashes was all that was left of you.

I stood still, shaking, caught in between what I felt and what was socially acceptable.

As a tear fell I heard, “It is not right to cry in public.”

My grandmothers words damed my tears.

As she stood there calm as ever I shook with emotion.

My aunt, shaking too, grabbed my hand,

“Lauren I want you to stand with me when we lay him to rest.”

We walked.

With my hand in hers I walk slightly behind,

ready to stand beside her and be her support.

Suddenly, cold, clammy hands take hold of my shoulders with a death grip.

The socialite now held me back.

As our hands separated my aunt crumpled without my support

she was now was a pile of rubble on the floor.

I tried to fight my way to you and to pick her up and put her back together but the loss of you left me weak.

I froze.

Standing there I watched them put you in a box.

“Don’t do that” I yelled “He’s claustrophobic.”

They didn’t listen.

Then sealed the door on my heart.

Dark Night

The sky is black

The house is too

Around every corner you feel the fear of the unknown

This spider that crawls up your back.

Hair stands on end.

Eyes widen.

Hands shake.

As you look forward,

the hand grabs your back.

Lips

Soft and round

Lush and full

Mine and yours

Who We Once Were

Remember those children full of life?

Not a care in the world

Puddle jumping and tree climbing,

Oh how I miss those days.

Now we’re grown

With way too many responsibilities

Jobs and bills flood our mind

Money is our only goal.

What happened to our childish ways?

playing in the mud and muck.

When did we grow up?

Why did we grow up?

life was easy that way.

The Abyss

The world above is full of life.

Butterflies and people bloom with the sun.

Above the clouds a pale blue sky.

Full of endless opportunities.

Then back on the ground to the busy bees in suits.

Then down below out of sight there is the place with no light

A swirling mess

It spirals down below the ground to the depth of darkness.

And from this place there is no return

You cannot escape the abyss.

Lake Placid

There is a place I know that used to be covered in white snow

The streams are now set free and all along the rim of the lake a tree stand endlessly

In the dawn of time the dew glows and gleams

On the soft water I see the world around

However everything is upside down

Isn’t that our world right now?

This world that’s flipped all around

But that is reality, a place I wish not to go

For I am here in a world that’s my own

This silent world full of peace and hope

The only noise i care to hear is the rain falling down to disturb the ground

This world of mine is all my own

This breathless dream I call my home.

Soul

Kisses from my hero wash the pain away

From my troubled mind, I try to find

the essence of who I am.

Worries

I got worries everyday

about my mom and my dad

will they ever go away?

I’ve turned to drugs to clear my head

cancer sticks and that sticky stuff

to make me forget all the ones who are dead.

That’s not it,

not the life for me

I want to be better

make a life of my own.

Out of the chaos and away from the pain.

God help me, I feel so drained.

I gotta get out of the game

that i seem to play

i can’t believe i got to that point

i need to escape.

But where do I begin?

The Letter

What in the hell do you say to your love?

the one person who held you, kissed you, loved you.

The one who kept loving you through every fight.

The One.

It’s quite simple you see. . .

Hello my dear,

i miss you!

i love you!

If only he could read it.

Even Angels Cry

A little girl all alone

takes the world on her shoulders

taking all the blame and the bruises.

She is an angel

a perfect angel to all.

This angels wings are stained with blood and her feathers tattered and torn

and still she flies to those in need.

She tries her best to make other pain go away

completely ignoring her own

The scares and bruises never leave the story of her skin

when all the world is at peace, her job complete

she sits alone

crying

remembering the beatings and the daggers of words that were thrown at her

through the battle she stood strong

then out of sight and out of peering eyes

she cries.

Free Falling

Objects in motion

as the world begins to fall

you try and breathe but there is no air

nothing to sustain and comfort

the world is a jumble of swirling colors

in that moment of panic the world stops

time freezes and now the lively world that once was

is now a picture of what used to be

still and lifeless.

You hit the floor

take a breath and recover from the fall.

Life Goes On?

“Life goes on.” The preacher told me full of wisdom

“Not for him.” I respond

My life, yes, it will go on, there will be more

birthdays, and Christmas’s, Thanksgivings too

Friends all around with their warm embrace and smiles.

But not for Michael

He sits alone.

All alone.

Let Go

Through the blue window I am letting it go,

light having washed its feathers.

The sky is a flat sheet of water reflecting itself, and when i face its immeasurable

underside there’s nothing behind it.

Only a darkening space for me to curl under.

Snug in the spell of a cradle rocking,

I remember

You Drive Me Crazy

The way you talk

The way you walk

The way you dress

God you are the perfect mess

The way you look at me

And the way you smile

It just makes me melt.

You make my day

With just one word

How do you do that?

How come you are my cure?

You break me down

My wall of protection falls like rain

Around you words.

I hate it how much you influence me.

You know me and my quirky ways

And yet you love me everyday

You’re annoying and obscene

You get under my skin and make me twinge

But you are mine.

I choose you as my own.

Time and Space

I want to drift away

along with the soft, sweet wind

Out of this town and onto new beginnings

Floating over the mountains and across the valleys so free

My soul in flight

Out of gods reach

With no man or woman influencing me

I am all alone but not lonely

Into the abyss

The endless blackness of time.

Out To The Open Sea

It is time for me to go my dear

for the sea, she calls to me.

The waves that are of tall and small

and the wind blowing steadily.

For she calls and calls for me

So i set my sails and off i go into her heart so blue.

For she calls and calls and calls for me

And to her i must be true.

The Race Of Life

1,2,3

3 years it has been

I’ve been living in the absence of your love

It’s been too long

In that time i realize life is like a race.

1,2,3 GO!

You run till you can’t run anymore.

Some run 100 yards, others less.

For you it was a 21 yard race.

You ran 21 yards and lived for 21 years

Till the line snuck up on you in your last strides.

1,2,3 Finish

That's Me!

Who am I if not for the girl at the door?

With the maroon shoes and the violet skirt.

The golden wheat spun hair outlining my hot pink shoulders.

The moon is mine and there is no time for the cow to jump.

I skip away in my array of colors with the moon on a string!

Annoyance In Cowboy Boots

I first see you standing there in your cowboy boots with your shaggy hair.

With your eyes so blue i thought i knew how this was going to end.

But my mind was changed,

things got rearranged,

and a forbidden love came through.

We found love

while painting each side of the fence,

the black boards separating our hungering bodies.

But our love was too strong for mere boards to withhold.

Boards crashed to the floor,

paint brushes dropped,

our bodies became intertwined in the soft hay that lined the loft.

Our love was no longer forbidden.

But that time came for you to go

Back up to the ice and snow.

As the wheels lifted into the air and your blue eyes could no longer entrance mine

I walked down the long distant hallway, alone.

The Universe I Live In

The galaxy is suffocating

in its evil showcase: You can’t have this moment!

Ever!

Overt your eyes father for there is a elephant ear!

An adult laughs at the sweltering carcass door.

Out of the silence after seeing his father’s there.

No!

Its hard, icy eyes pierce flesh like spade daggers.

And still he stares.

Onto the end of the wavy universe,

a place of fury and rage,

love and compassion.

His hands lay still.

Agony!

We remain still.

I Hate That I Don't Hate You

If today was a hating day I’d most definitely hate you.

I hate the way you look at me, in that constricting kind of way.

I hate it when you smile at me, cause i know what you want to say.

I hate your eyes as blue as ice and the way they stop my heart.

I hate the fact that I love you, especially when it hurts.

I hate your personality and how well it fits mine,

because we found love but it just wasn’t the right time.

But what I hate most of all is how far apart we are.

Across miles and miles.

Separated.

Enough

I’ve had enough heartache in my 18 years.

Loved ones lost.

Friend’s betrayal.

Family in turmoil.

My life has been a roller-coaster with all its ups and downs

but enough is enough.

I’m tired of the pain

words, actions, or lack thereof

stick in my heart like a dagger,

ready to slice and hurt.

Ready to cut out another piece of my heart.

I’ve had enough.

When will my time come

to be loved and cared for?

I want to find love,

wherever it may be hiding.

When will it be my turn to be happy

Haven’t I been through enough?

He Walked Away

It came down to it

we had to go our separate ways

you held me in a long embrace and put your lips to mine

ever so softly.

You took 2 steps, then came running back

to my arms so safe and warm

that is where you were meant to be.

Now 6 steps

then you turned

looked at me with those longing blue eyes

and I ran to you.

Just one more kiss.

One more hug.

One last goodbye.

I prayed for time to stand still

so that we could stay in that perfect moment

full of potential.

Please don’t leave me.

Don’t take everything we had with you

don’t take my heart.

We shared our last kiss.

Our last hug

and the final goodbye.

You walked out the door with the string to my heart

clenched in your fist.

I feel it tighten whenever you think of me.

I don’t know how many steps it took for you to walk away

but I’m glad you were the one to walk.

My legs gave out and i hit the floor.

Drops of mascara and salt water splashed onto the floor.

This was it,

the last time i’d see you walk away.

13 Ways Of Looking At A Tree

Well there is always the standing sense

you stand up right and glance up then.

But you climb the tree and then you’ll see

the tree as it sees me.

A little higher, now above

there i see the tree i love

Down again, on the ground

Now i circle round and round

I see a face upon the bark

or is it just a patch of dark

As i try to leave with a happy pace

the roots, they trip me on my face

Now i lie on the ground

looking at the tree so round

A world of life that is so green

I do not want to end this scene

Now I see the birds and bugs

that hide here in this world of shrubs

They live here in this tree so big

as a community like we did

I sit against the tree so strong

It holds me up as if i’ve done no wrong

Like a mother supports her kids for so long

This rough bark against my back has seen so much pain

Like a solder in war walking with a cane

And yet it stood tall through all the wind and rain.

This stubborn child refuses to move

Its feet firmly planted, fitting into its groove.

That Kiss

I sit on the wood table

my legs around yours.

Graze my hand across your cheek.

I raise my head,

you lower yours.

My lips.

Your lips.

Got To Get Away

Each day is the same in this place.

The time has come for a change.

So I hop in my car and drive

away from this town, this life.

i need a new pace in a new place.

new sights to see,

new people to know and love.

Though I am gone a piece of my heart remains

In the place of my past

with the people of my childhood

those i have loved and who have helped me grow.

This is not the end.

But, my new beginning.