Kerry

Remember those days?

The days of make believe

tadpole fishing,

tree climbing,

wrestling,

those carefree, ignorantly blissful days.

Then that painful day when I left.

the lack of money pulling me away.

Years pass

I return,

changed

I’m better, more aware, not so foolish

My car steers it’s own way back to that old neighborhood

The knock on your door was all too familiar

A familiar face answers, your mother, still as beautiful as I remember her

We sit down

talk

Then i hear what she had been struggling to tell me

your friend of 10 years

“Kerry has leukemia.”

my heart stops

short of breath

This cant be happening

The girl who ran and played with me was now infected

we were invincible

with all our powers and magical ways

Diseases couldn’t touch us

then reality set in

we weren’t 8 anymore

this was real

life.

I choke back tears as she explains,

“All her friends left, they didn’t want to deal with it all.”

My heart sank

I would have been there

If I had only known

I would have been there through every chemo treatment

every relapse

everything.

I would have been there for you.

Then the door opens and you walk in

The girl I had known to be healthy with long blonde hair

was now a skinny, pale stranger with short brown hair

you walk with a gingerly step

the pain of the last chemo treatment still stinging inside

I see the toll the disease has taken on you

My dear friend

It breaks my heart to see you this way

I force a smile when I want to cry

I want to hold you

to drive the infection out of you

Oh how I wish I had those magical powers we thought we had all those years ago.

After our visit I leave with a hug and a smile knowing you are in high spirits

“It was so good to see you and I’ll call you tomorrow so we can hang out.”

Were my parting words.

I call the very next day eager to see you.

No answer.

My stomach is driven into my throat and a numbing feeling fills my body

I grab my keys and dash out the door

30 over the limit

racing to your side.

I arrive at your door

trying to hold my composure

I knock

Again your mother answers

But not as beautiful as before

puffy red eyes greet me with a river of tears flowing out the door

It hit me

reality

My knees hit the concrete

this can’t be happening.

My childhood friend who had just come back in my life

was taken away just as fast.

I promised I’d be there

through thick and thin

best friends forever.

I didn’t keep my promise.

I’m so very sorry.

The Freshman

You’re not the boy I’d expect to like in this day and age

You’re far too young and many grades below

But I don’t know what it is about you that makes me not want to let go.

It’s not you, but me, you see,

I’m the one that has to leave

I know when I go that pain is sure to come.

In knowing that I must go, I keep you at a distance

to touch my body but not my heart.

I know the way you feel for me with ever smile and glance.

Every kiss speaks of just how much you care.

I love the way you look at me with those deep brown eyes

I see the feeling behind that sly smile you give me every time.

I love the way you kiss me so soft and true, but the funny thing is

I only like kissing you.

The way you make me feel when your around

drives me up the wall

Those hands of yours, those eyes, those lips

I’m so afraid to fall.

But that day will come

to say goodbye

only 30 to go.

I Hate That Day

It was time to say our final goodbyes,

The family gathered, the priest was there too

But all eyes were on you.

The name engraved in the marble, a vase, and some ashes was all that was left of you.

I stood still, shaking, caught in between what I felt and what was socially acceptable.

As a tear fell I heard, “It is not right to cry in public.”

My grandmothers words damed my tears.

As she stood there calm as ever I shook with emotion.

My aunt, shaking too, grabbed my hand,

“Lauren I want you to stand with me when we lay him to rest.”

We walked.

With my hand in hers I walk slightly behind,

ready to stand beside her and be her support.

Suddenly, cold, clammy hands take hold of my shoulders with a death grip.

The socialite now held me back.

As our hands separated my aunt crumpled without my support

she was now was a pile of rubble on the floor.

I tried to fight my way to you and to pick her up and put her back together but the loss of you left me weak.

I froze.

Standing there I watched them put you in a box.

“Don’t do that” I yelled “He’s claustrophobic.”

They didn’t listen.

Then sealed the door on my heart.

Dark Night

The sky is black

The house is too

Around every corner you feel the fear of the unknown

This spider that crawls up your back.

Hair stands on end.

Eyes widen.

Hands shake.

As you look forward,

the hand grabs your back.

Lips

Soft and round

Lush and full

Mine and yours

Who We Once Were

Remember those children full of life?

Not a care in the world

Puddle jumping and tree climbing,

Oh how I miss those days.

Now we’re grown

With way too many responsibilities

Jobs and bills flood our mind

Money is our only goal.

What happened to our childish ways?

playing in the mud and muck.

When did we grow up?

Why did we grow up?

life was easy that way.

The Abyss

The world above is full of life.

Butterflies and people bloom with the sun.

Above the clouds a pale blue sky.

Full of endless opportunities.

Then back on the ground to the busy bees in suits.

Then down below out of sight there is the place with no light

A swirling mess

It spirals down below the ground to the depth of darkness.

And from this place there is no return

You cannot escape the abyss.